Dear Irish Americans

Dear Irish Americans,

I'm going to take a moment to thank you guys for the great stuff you've given to all of us Irish folk, like provide shelter for our refugees and economic migrants over the years, or funds to social causes like community projects and the RA, or the substantial amount you contribute to our tourist industry over the years. Hey, we even largely enjoyed the first Boondock Saints movie, Forrest Griffin, that one song by The Dropkick Murphys and that one song by House of Pain but there's something we need to discuss and it's not about you guys ordering Irish coffees after our bar staff have cleaned down the coffee machines, or the horrendously named “An Irish Car bomb”, I mean we don't order two B52s, set them on fire and call them the Twin Towers and if you can stop doing that, great but there's something a little bit more pressing.

I know some of you might even be surprised that I am on the internet, rather than on a horse and cart on a hovel in a bog, but we've the good ol' fashioned world wide web. So, when we see the confederate flag, as in the one adopted in 1905, some forty years after that racist little rebellion failed with captions like “Why aren't Irish Americans in an outrage? They were the first slaves. Bet most people don't even know that.' You see this quote here, it's wrong on so many levels. I mean, were we the first slaves ever? Because I'm pretty sure the Irish weren't even an ethnic group when some great great ancestor of all of us decided “shit, we could sure do with some free labour”. No, you see some Irish people were slaves, that is true. But we're talking about a tiny percentage of people, who got shipped off to the Carribean. Often they mixed with black slaves, such as on Montserrat, but a larger amount were indentured servants – a condition that by modern standards would be considered slavery but a condition that many Irish people entered into willingly, not always willingly and some were outright forced into it, but there were still significantly less Irish indentured servants than there were chattel slaves. Meanwhile, during the middle passage between Africa and the new world, an estimated 800,000 black chattel slaves died in transit, likely far more than the entire number of Irish indentured servants and slaves who survived the transportation process. As I touched on before, most Irish Americans who can trace their roots via genaology or DNA tests will likely only be able to trace it as far back as their ancestors being refugees from famine or British oppression, or as being economic migrants looking for a better life in the states. And yes, these Irish migrants often had it rough with landlords, jobs, local governments, restaurants and bars with policies that said “No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish”, they weren't still being legislated against as recently as the 1980s or 90s. They could also assimilate into white society by being that. White. And we are fucking good at it.

Now I could get super left wing and make some point about how after being the British boot for so long the Irish decided to lick some other boots by forming mobs like the NYPD but what I'm trying to dig at are Irish Americans who use this blurred lens of history to justify at best undermining the struggles faced by African Americans and at worst full blown white supremacy. I've seen other memes featuring Lucky the Lepprechaun as in the mascot for the sugary shit cereal Lucky Charms with captions like “Irish protest for the removal of the lucky charms lepprechaun because it's offensive. Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by Jack because they're not pansies”. Somethings do offend us. LIKE YOUR FUCKING RACISM. We're not going to get annoyed by a badly voiced, poorly animated cartoon of a folklore character because that character isn't based on some “Magical Negro” Uncle Tom stereotype like Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemimah. And there's a ton of stuff the English do that we actually get offended by, but again, a cartoon mythical folklore character doesn't do much ot push over the edge. Why is it that you guys who come out with these memes are usually the ones obsessed with geneology and DNA tests to see if you were an Irish warrior or a Viking one, when the fact is, though they probably had very good cause, your ancestors ran away from something. And somewhere along the way, they received enough compassion to help them survive all the adversity thrown at them. Why don't you try giving some of that compassion back to I don't know.. Syrian refugees, Mexicans or dare I say it, black people. You see, your DNA might be of ethnic Irish heritage, but that doesn't mean it should be an excuse for bad behaviour.  Don't be the type that goes "Oh I drink too much and I call a spade a spade, because I'm Irish."  No.  Your DNA doesn't explain your behaviour unless you're genetically a sociopath.  So let me suggest you try something that we're doing. Like your country claims to do, here in Ireland trying to accept people making an honest go of it. 

See, we have racism here, I'd be lying if people of colour didn't get abuse thrown at them and I'm ashamed of my fellow countrymen who do that.  The rest of us though, we're trying different options.  Like south of the border, they even voted in a gay Indian man as their head of state, now they kinda want rid of him because just like in the case of being a straight white person, your colour of skin or sexuality has little to no affect on whether you're going to be a ball bag or not and our somewhat wary of the Catholic church rapidly secularizing state, we will give virtually anyone a shot. So I'm going to tell you something you really won't want to hear. My Polish and Nigerian mates, the ones who have lived and worked their asses off in this country for over fifteen years are more Irish than you second or third generation guys. Being American doesn't depend on you being ethnically American does it?  Otherwise only those with indigenous tribe heritage would be true Americans. Why would being Irish be any different?  So yeah, having your little plastic paddy fantasy is cute and harmless, like those people who dress up as Sonic the Hedgehog characters and have sex with each other But the fact is that just because your great great grandpappy had a pint of Guinness in Cork in 1873, doesn't make you more Irish than someone who has lived in this country most of their lives.

So be cool, Irish Americans.  If you can put a mask on and get that populist shitehawk president of yours to do a better job of handling the same pandemic we're all struggling with, we might let you come have a drink here when the dust settles.  Hell, I'll even let you buy me a pint and you can tell me about your great grandpappy's moonshine that made your dad lose his vision for a few days.   Just lay off the racism, mmmkay?

Yours Sincerely,

An actual Irish guy.

P.S. I swear to fuck, if I have to turn that coffee machine back on and start shaking whipped cream just because you want an Irish coffee at 11 o'clock at night I will politely show you the door.

P.P.S. You can of course be black and Irish.  This fella has done far more for our country than almost any of you plastics






I write almost entirely for fun and because I love storytelling, but if you're feeling generous and want to throw a coin or two my way, below is my paypal tipping address.  A fair amount of the money I spend these days goes on either writing classes or tipping other artists for bringing us cheer at this grim time, so I wouldn't say you're wasting too much if you do.   Christ that last sentence is even more try hard..

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