Come on, Conor, you're already behind posting schedule. Ah wait a minute nobody is reading this thing? Well then, relax, keeping this blog is an imaginary self appointed objective, designed to give me a slight sense of meaning in the existance of a 33 year old pseudo-unemployed single man, partially living in his mother's house during a global pandemic. That sounds depressing, doesn't it? Ah well - it's not like there's probably another massive economic recession on the way, the right wing isn't on the rise and global warming isn't a looming shadow of horror upon the planet, is it? Oh wait! Ahhh, this may just be the mid-January depression that hits alot of folk, that period where Christmas is a distant memory and the New Year's Resolutions have already come crashing down.
Despite all this doom and gloom, here's this week's memes, a few left over from the Capitol Hill fall out of last week, a few jabbing at the Tory/school lunches scandal, where Chartwells was given £30 for each child needing free school lunches to provide five meals, of course as it turned out what they had provided barely amounted to a £5 shop in the cheapest supermarkets.
Tomorrow: Tuesday's Thoughts, yes, the plan was Tuesday Tunes, but I'm still listening to nothing but 'The Hu' at the minute
My taste of music might be awful. There are reams of songs, particularly from the early naughties which I am fond of. I really don't mind a lot of Nu Metal songs, nor do I mind a lot of mainstream rap from the same era. For a man not a fan of homophobia, I have played DMX tunes constant times despite his "show no love for homo thugs" or incessant use of that slur synonymous with bundles of kindling. I mean this is my most listened to 2020 list.
See that top one? That's a weird grime song where rappers like Stormzy rap about getting socks for Christmas, whilst Mr Biggz informs us that "It's a pony for a pumpy", which I feel is the most British gangster thing since the Ice Cream Wars, or Michael Caine said "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape.."
The second top one? ALCOHAULIN' ASS. Which I felt was my "escaping London in this fall of Roman Empire/Will Smith I Am Legend time period" theme tune. Then moving on, we have a couple of "synth-wave" or "outrun" music i.e. electronic music for sad sacks like myself not cool enough for house or techno, but feel that the ever geeky throwback to 80s computer games and Scarface soundtrack tunes is more in line with my "slightly edgier nerd" ethos, a multitude of slightly more obscure than usual classic rock tunes "because I'm an old head in a young-ish body", "desert rock" and even WWE entrance themes. At least 50% of that playlist is guilty pleasure stuff. So I am, trying to "grow up" with my music taste, even though the clock is ticking as according to some studies, we stop discovering new music after 30. I am four years overdue in this regard.
So what have I discovered in recent time? Well, I've been aware of these guys for at least a year but my soundtrack of January 2021 is heavily dominated by these fellas.
Speaking a language, I don't understand, playing instruments that I don't even know what they're called, The Hu to me have two modes - ridiculously catchy and ridiculously epic. Seeing as gyms are closed, leading to my main form of exercise being walking, I need either of these two things to keep me going. Maybe when these multiple lockdowns calm down I'll find myself engaged with another group or musician, but until then, I'll keep pumping out these jams.
Until then, feel free to drop me some musical recommendations at zeromalarki@gmail.com
If you’ve read my previous post, (which you can read here)
you’ll know that my Facebook days are numbered.
I’ve angered the algorithmic gods too many times with my offering of
fair digs to right wingers, referencing the Simpsons in Simpsons meme groups
and other low-level tomfoolery and the slightest utterance of certain swear
words will almost instantly see me do another thirty stretch in the electronic
doghouse. As a result, I’ve been forced
to go underground, do all my sharing of memes on WhatsApp and probably given
time, the likes of Signal and Telegram. However, I enjoy being able to look at what memes
I’ve been passing around like a fat joint at a Snoop Dogg appreciation party,
months or even years after I was doing
it. Facebook’s memories/On this Day
function give a window of insight into that.
For an avid meme sharer, the memes you were sharing at a certain time
give a reflection of the cultural zeitgeist you find yourself immersed in – the
politics, the music, the critical or fan reception of films, TV shows, games, books
etc. From now on, I’ll be aiming to show
the previous week’s memes every Monday in order to catalogue and archive these
things. On Tuesdays, I’d like to do
Tuesday’s tunes, maybe some insight to any songs I’ve been listening to in that
period. This will undoubtedly be full of
guilty pleasures and hopefully a few well kept secret songs I find through the
likes of Reddit or other’s peoples’ recommendations. Thursdays might be ‘Thursday’s Thoughts’, this
will be whatever whimsical ponderings I’ve been thinking about in recent time,
with a couple of almost clickbait-style articles – ‘The 10 Best Things I Did in
2020’, ’10 Other Things I did in 2020’, ‘Belfast vs London: Living Experiences’
(which I had thought of already, but I should also point out, the very articulate
Kieran Majury did a post about his own experiences here )
I also, have to announce after having multiple tell me I
should have a podcast, or that they were waiting eagerly for my next episode of
“The Worst Ever Reading of Ulysses”, one random Instagram follower going as far
as to say that it was “Based”, a complement to suggest that even pushing 34, I
may well still be “down with the kids”.Now without further ado, let’s take a look at some of the memes of the
week, this particular week being heavily influenced by the events in the US
Capitol.
Enough politics what about the standard funny ones?
Spending a lot of time with my mum's cat, seems somewhat accurate.
My Simpson's meme appreciation is through the roof
General fear of killing my mother pops into my head all the time.
I hear all the time from people with no experience of the
acting industry “I would make a great actor” To that I ask “Why?Do you have any experience?Have you done any training?” Almost always,
the answers are as follows: I don’t know, no and no. On occasion it is because the person stating
this seemingly unfounded self-confidence had a part in the school play half a
decade prior.There are of course actors
who don’t do a whole lot of training and are just “naturals”, but in my
experience these are very rare.The vast
majority of those who count themselves as natural actors are in reality natural
over-actors.Their version of acting is
waving their arms around, saying everything with an unnatural diction, a raised
voice and strained facial expressions.There may be a time and a place for this in pantomime performances and
in the odd Tom Hardy film, but what the vast majority of critics, artists and
keen viewers of film and television regard as “good acting” is a lot more reserved
than this.Yes, some people in real life
are performative in their daily interactions but on average, people tend to be quieter,
often guarded with their emotional responses. It is these below surface-emotions which are
often far more interesting for the audience to examine and interpret.For reference, I recommend you watch “In the
Name of the Father” and review Daniel Day Lewis’s incredible performance.This is an actor who trained in the craft of
acting, studied the real-life counterpart of his character and immersed himself
in the understanding of his part’s wants, needs and understanding of life.
Training typically provides the tools for an actor to
experience the emotions their character feels and communicate these emotions
not purely to the viewing audience what these emotions are but to the other
character-inhabiting actors so that they can receive those emotions and respond
in a totally convincing way. Not all
tools are equal in their usefulness and different actors will benefit from
different tools.Some actors will use
the teachings of Chekov and Stanislavski with great aplomb, whilst others will benefit
more from Meisner’s methods.These tools
need to be used with caution, however. Ultimately, using them should ultimately fill
you with more confidence in your abilities, rather than reduce you to being
cripplingly-insecure about whether you can act or not.This Is something that many of us will mentally
languish and lacerate ourselves with for years.That horrible question of “Am I or will I ever be good enough to become
a successful actor?” will follow us around like a bad smell.Hopefully, training will help you answer that
question for yourself and hopefully that answer will be a resounding “Yes.” I state this with a caveat though – the best
actors are able to use their insecurities to make them work harder, or provide
a vulnerability to their performances.As Al Pacino said in this talk, “You can’t let your skin get too thick.”
Training can come in many forms.In this COVID era we appear to be in, there
are a number of great online acting classes and I would recommend that you check
out a few different options.Some of the
London based actor’s Facebook groups will have various online coaches promote
their services.Some offering great deals.A few that I have tried and recommend are “Acting
with Keira”, Studio Bianchini and Manuel Puro’s 21 Day Self Tape
Challenge.There are plenty of books you
can read as well and try out the methods with a friend and family member, “The Energetic
Performer” by Amanda Brennan is a great start, along with “The Complete Stanislavski
Toolkit” by Bella Martin and “A Screen Acting Workshop” by Mel Churcher.Some of the larger drama schools such as RADA
and RCSSD (Central) have online courses, but they are more on the expensive
side.Another choice you have to make
for you and for you alone is whether or not to go to drama school, which should
COVID be gone, you should be able to do in September of 2021.I myself did a full time Masters in Acting
for Screen at Central.Whilst I have no
doubt it made me a more rounded actor, it didn’t necessarily make me more
confident in my chance of success.
Now, at this point if you know you’re still in the game, you
should have hopefully figured out something else: what sort of roles are you suited
for?What is your casting?There are a few factors at play here, the
principle one being appearance.Without body
shaming, a more “cuddly” person is typically less likely to play a romantic
lead.There are exceptions to this –
Jack Black, Rebel Wilson and Adam Sandler have all done romantic comedies, but
there are very rarely going to be occasions when Jack Black and Zac Effron are
going head-to-head for the same role.On
the other hand, there are plenty of times when that teen heart throb is too
damn pretty to be an average Joe bin man.The second most key factor in casting is your essence.When you as an actor walk into a casting
room, the casting director will consciously or subconsciously take note of your
baseline personality type before you even begin to act.If you’re usually a high energy, fidgety
person, this will mean that playing a high energy, fidgety person should theoretically
require you to consciously change your movements, speech pattern and vocal
resonance less than an actor whose baseline levels and rate of speech is of a
lower speed.The best actors in the
world can make the changes from their normal selves to their character selves
effortlessly.For some it is just a
matter of training and experience but for the vast majority that level of
brilliance may never appear. Use the
time spent training to play around, explore and see what roles you are
comfortable with.Given time you may be
able to push into roles you are less comfortable with, but at the beginning of
your career, “playing it safe” may be the most sensible option.If you were the class clown or have a jokey
personality in your day to day life, then prepare yourself for comedic roles more
than gritty period dramas until you feel comfortable with your range.
For a committed actor, training never truly stops, however
over time, we may dedicate less time to training itself, when experience can be
gained from acting work itself.However,
if you hace a comfortable baseline of training, you’re ready for step two.
Step Two: The Headshots
Not just a way to win Call of Duty, the Headshot is a well
composed portrait photograph of you.If
you’ve figured out what your casting is, you may know what style of headshot to
opt for, so when searching for a headshot photographer in your area, have a
look at their work, look for a photographer who will help promote your baseline
personality traits.Headshot sets typically
range between £80-200 depending on location, the experience of the photographer
and the standard of their equipment.If
you are London based, here are a few I have heard good things about:
Faye Thomas https://www.fayethomas.co.uk/ Faye Thomas
Photography | Editorial Portrait & Headshot Photographer | London & LA
Faye Thomas is a Photographer specialising in Editorial Portraits and Headshots
of actors. Clients include: Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Sam Heughan, Hayley Atwell,
Jodie Comer, Maisie Williams, Emily Beecham, Tuppence Middleton, Michelle
Dockery, Bradley James, Lauren Cohan, Cressida Bonas. As a leading London &
UK Headshot Photographer Faye is recommended by agencies including Hamilton
Hodell ...
If you are based in the Ireland, I recommend either
You’ve got your baseline level of training and headshots,
you can now go about creating your showreel.I am going to write another post with more details about what makes a
showreel and why they are so important, but for now I will only be breaking down
what they are and how to get the footage.A showreel, very simply is a collection of 3-4 clips which showcase an
actor’s appearance, ability and relevant castings, edited together to send to
casting directors, filmmakers and agents.Models and photographers have portfolios to display their work, actors
have showreels.Ideally, no longer than
three minutes (often two is fine), a showreel should only have scenes in which
you share dialogue with other actors. A
monologue for one part of the reel will be fine with some agents and casting
directors, but many agents tend to prefer seeing how you receive lines as much
as you speak them.Once again, your training
should come into play so that you are not “acting”, you are “being” the
character you need to be.
Now as to where you
get these scenes, entirely depends on how much you value your money over your
time, or vice versa.You can trawl through
the various student film or unpaid short film listings you see in your local
film and media related Facebook groups for roles which you feel you would
suit.Then, if you’re lucky the filmmakers
involved will be willing to send you some of the script, or a dummy script for
you to prepare and perform for a self-tape.Sometimes, unfortunately they will cast these roles purely on the
self-tape, which thereby defeats the purpose of contacting them in the first
place, but again, if you’re lucky you can get cast on the strength of your
self-tape, or if your headshot provides evidence that your appearance matches
up with the writer/director’s version of the character in their script.However, this can be an entirely inefficient way
to use your time – student film makers are just that – students.They are not professionals and can vary widely
in their competency and attitudes.Some will
strive for perfection, others probably should have just stayed in their bedroom
smoking weed and playing Fifa than bothering to even set up a tripod. I have been to student shoots where the students
have only brought one small SD card for an entire days shoot on a DSLR. I’ve been involved with other shoots where
the footage is that choppy, out of focus or badly recorded that the end product
is entirely unusable.On one occasion, I
let the students use my mother’s house to film the short, only for them to
knock a chunk of plaster out of the hallway wall with the dolly.On another, I never got the footage back
after waiting for months and months to receive it.Unpaid
shorts, whilst potentially having a more experienced crew involved might be
time consuming in other ways.The writer/director
might want to write a new scene and add it to the script, completely losing sight
of his original vision, the on which you came onboard for.I would say that you have to use your own
judgement to get what you want out of these situations and to know which projects
are worth getting on board for but having made a lot of errors in this regard
over the years (and some great decisions which led to paid work as well), I can’t
really give you any support in that field.
An alternative is that you create your own scenes.Nowadays, the cameras on mobile phones are arguably
as good as top of the range DSLR cameras were ten years ago.Tangerine proved that with a few
modifications, you could produce an award-winning feature on mobile phones five
years ago, it stands to reason that with some know how, a few tripods and the
right lighting, you and your friends could produce some showreel footage. This will obviously require some planning and preparation
if you want even half decent footage.You
will at the minimum need two other friends to help with this.One friend should be a fellow actor to act
with, the other to set up the camera, or cameras, light and direct the shots.As what you will be doing will be for
non-commercial reasons (even if showreels are designed to market you, they still
fall under not for profit), you can use existing scripts.I would tend to avoid incredibly well-known
scenes and I cannot stress enough that you create your own interpretation of
the scene.Figure out your own versions
of the characters, their backstories and how they relate to the scene and the
other characters involved. Nobody wants
to see you do an impersonation of a well-established actor. If you feel doing this impersonation can’t be
avoided, you can write your own scene, or have an experienced writer friend craft
you something.
If you value your time over your money, I’d recommend that
you pay for a showreel shooting service.There are companies all over the UK and Ireland which will help you
write, find other actors, source locations then light, shoot and edit your
showreel scenes to a cinematic standard. They can vary in price, again depending on location,
quality of gear being used, experience of the team and supply and demand.At the minute, you are likely to get a very
good deal as COVID restrictions have put some of these teams in tight spots.
If you’re based in or around London, I would really
recommend the guys at www.self-tape.co.uk
I have appeared as an actor in a couple of their scenes,
working with very different actors.Their
direction, efficiency and approach is truly outstanding.
If you’re based in Ireland (in particular the North, but we
can discuss travelling), then I have to shamelessly plug my own company – 36 Chambers
Productions www.36cps.com
To sing our own praises, we are highly skilled filmmakers
with a 100% success rate of getting our customer’s agents. We are fast, efficient, but still find time
to ensure that the reel is tailor made for your wants and needs, going out of
our way to provide you with coaching, guidance, pre-shoot and post-shoot
customer care. If you wish to shoot your
reel in Belfast, we can even try and arrange accommodation for you.
Step Four: Hunting
If you’ve chosen to look for roles in unpaid student shorts,
you will already have done a little bit of hunting for roles. Low paid roles can be found on Facebook groups,
they can also be found on a number of the “pay to play” websites.The value which you derive from these
websites can be incredibly hit or miss, depending on a few factors.Time of year, location, supply and demand and
how much time you commit to applying for roles and sending in your showreel all
come into scope.
Based on my own experiences, I would list them in order of most
to least value as follows:
Barring a few exceptions, you will rarely see roles paid
more than 3-400 pounds on them and frequently a lot less.The “big money” is typically found on www.spotlight.com- arguably the original and best “actor’s
directory”, except to be found on Spotlight, you need to qualify.
“Spotlight is for professional performers, so to become
a member you need to have either formal drama training to graduate level, or
have had paid speaking roles in at least four professional productions (in
either television, film, short films on the BAFTA short film list, theatre or
character driven voice work)” -https://www.spotlight.com/help-and-faqs/getting-started-as-a-spotlight-member-faqs/
On top of this, having a Spotlight account can be relatively
fruitless without an agent actively submitting you for roles, or acting as a
middle-man between the casting director and yourself, so you would be wise to
look for an agent if you have completed the other steps.It takes a while to find a suitable agent and
just like the doubts of “whether I’m good enough to be an actor, or should I really
be pursuing this may creep into your mind”, you may have doubts as to whether or
not your agent has your best interests at heart.Sadly, not all agents are good ones and sometimes
even the bigger, more successful agents have ulterior motives for signing you
up.They may see you as a threat to the
success of another actor on their books and will take you on in order to stifle
your career before it even gets started.You might also have an agent who is focused on other things in their
life – writing, alcoholism, or whatever.Again, try your best to do your research before you write to any agents
at all.Approach each agent individually,
write personalized emails to them, address them by name, attach your best
headshots and your showreel.Have a
reason as to why those agents would be good for you.Some agents are old fashioned in that they will
not take e-mail submissions, you my have to have your headshot and cover letter
printed out, this inconvenience to provide a sieve to find who are likely to be
worthy additions to their rosters.There
will be things to negotiate – what will your agent represent you for?Stage, screen, commercials, modelling or all
of the above?Will they do voice over
representation as well?Will they
represent you in different territories?Do they want 10% or 20% commission for each project? I have been told before that “an agent works
for you, not the other way around”, but have realistic expectations,
particularly at the start of your career.An agent is under no obligation to take you on and you may be very lucky
to have a particular agent represent you.With some agents you will need to stick with them a considerable amount
of time to see any results, jumping between agents can be more damaging to you
in the long term, so try not to do it too frequently.Building a healthy client relationship in the
long run is typically the way to go, but assess what you want carefully and once
again, use your own judgement as to what your expectations are.Lastly, remember that this is capitalism,
baby.If you’re not making your agent
any money, they will drop you like a bad cheque.Do your damn prep, bring you’re A-game and turn
up to every casting/submit every self-tape on time.Some of that last line may seem easier said
than done, but you are an actor.It is
your job.
I had about three pages written about my internet addiction, where it started, how I'm not alone and how an over reliance on screens is not something that my generation suffers from but the generations which proceed ours is truly entrenched in. I was going to waffle on about how wasn't it great how we used to play in the street.. until it got cold and we got out the Super Nintendo blah blah blah. 56K modems, screeech, skrrr bursss scrreech. Internet halcyon days, nostalgia. Golden years of AOL. Running up phone bills. Netscape explorer (now back in the news because of poorly written, copied and pasted Brexit documents), MUDs (Multi user dungeons, text based role playing games where you may or may not get to roleplay as a jedi having sex with a senator, only to find out that the senator is some dude in his 40s) Wank wank wank. Metaphorically, then literally. Social media, necessary evil blurrgh. Sad for children. Why does everyone have to try to be Logan Paul/Gamer girl? This narcissism needs to end! Except my instagram full of hot girls and hot guys, Muay Thai, titties. CHUNKY ASSES? Chunky asses. Then reflect on how the world has always been evil and whilst some things are definitely worse - looking at you entitled Karens (male ones too) who know fuck all about COVID and buy into any and all conspiracy theories because HURR DURR, I DUN DID MY RESURCH and you, Tory/Republican/Sneaky-champagne-socialist-democrats-who-are-as-left-wing-as-Jeremy-fucking-Clarkson who fail to manage their countries in a global pandemic effectively whilst increasing the profits of the richest companies, thereby enlargening the gap between wealthy and poor (which in fairness, is probably why people end up going into the conspiracy theories, because they're seeing their businesses and jobs destroyed whilst the banks and landlords can still collect their dues and evict anyone unable to pay them) and meaning even the lucky middle class westerners like myself feel like that they are doing something wrong by not having a side hustle because a regular job won't provide enough to purchase property in a housing market ruled by Russian Oligarchs and Emirate Princes, some things are better and maybe going in the right direction regarding standard of living and how by 2035 they might be able to use liquid hydrogen as a fuel?
Yes, these are all words.
Hot, steaming, garbage words which appear from the top of my dome because I have been on the internet too much, for too long. Every time I am presented with certain rabbit holes, I feel like I've got to go down them and trawl through the mud, but in that disorganized, lacking of real critical analysis fashion mud which ultimately doesn't make me feel any happier or enhance me as a person in terms of quality or of ability to produce financially, which given that I'm broaching 34 seems oh-so-important.
So 2021's resolution - try to spend a little bit less time on the internet. Read a book. Try and stop my flickering attention of going back and forth between fifteen different tabs. Write more. Write some more dank ass scripts. Actually shoot them. Get 36 Chambers Productions moving on a bit. Yes, last year in all that haze of "what the fuck is going on with the world, I'm furloughed but should make my own work soon", I started a production company with a good buddy, Matty Killen. You can check our website out here we basically intend to shoot very cool, showreel scenes tailor made for the actors in them and we've done some awesome stuff in this field already. We'll also hopefully shoot our own short films and with a bit of luck get the funds to do cool web series and other stuff. I may also be looking for a graduate job which pays a fair whack, because getting on the housing market sometime in the next few years feels like something society expects of me and I have inherited a want for. I'm already doing two post graduate certificates and a few other courses to widen my prospects whenever I feel like this acting/writing/producing caper is too damn difficult to garnish a living from, because I'm lazy and lack self discipline. I'll try not to get too caught up in the "life is an entirely pointless caper and that we may as well do fuck all, because it feels like the world is about to damn near end" shite too much. Might even volunteer to man the phones in a suicide focussed charity.
Lastly, lately, I've been zucc'd (banned from commenting/posting on Facebook) several times in a row, largely stemming from jokily saying "Fucking White People" twice, arguing with Right Wingers and calling them "bootlicking cunts" and some "threatening behaviour" - i.e. referencing the Simpsons in a Simpsons meme group . So expect me to write more on here - it feels more natural for my long winded deluges of commentary and I can do weekly meme collection rundowns if you're not one of the few who get my favourites sent to them on Whatsapp on the regular.
Anyway, give me a buzz if you need your old pal Conor to talk you out of tying that rope into a suicide knot. Hopefully at that point he'll not be asking you for advice on how to tie his own rope.
Stay safe and have a great 2021. Please don't get COVID 19/20/21 or Ecoli 1571
Give it 110%. I mean, what my effort?
Fuck this one gets me every time. Mostly because it's an assertion
that effort has to be put in place. That I will, in order to succeed
in whatever probably pointless endeavour, like becoming a successful
actor, or attaining an exam grade, have to exert all the effort.. no.
No, not all of the effort, more than my body and mind can muster.
10% more, not 20 or 500. Just ten . Maybe it's because of my
distinct aversion to effort that my soul shrivels upon hearing
hearing this or my resignation to failure in whatever goal I am
pursuing is before I've even begun.
I'm going to take a moment to thank you
guys for the great stuff you've given to all of us Irish folk, like
provide shelter for our refugees and economic migrants over the
years, or funds to social causes like community projects and the RA,
or the substantial amount you contribute to our tourist industry over
the years. Hey, we even largely enjoyed the first Boondock Saints
movie, Forrest Griffin, that one song by The Dropkick Murphys and
that one song by House of Pain but there's something we need to
discuss and it's not about you guys ordering Irish coffees after our
bar staff have cleaned down the coffee machines, or the horrendously
named “An Irish Car bomb”, I mean we don't order two B52s, set
them on fire and call them the Twin Towers and if you can stop doing
that, great but there's something a little bit more pressing.
I know some of you might even be
surprised that I am on the internet, rather than on a horse and cart
on a hovel in a bog, but we've the good ol' fashioned world wide web.
So, when we see the confederate flag, as in the one adopted in 1905,
some forty years after that racist little rebellion failed with
captions like “Why aren't Irish Americans in an outrage? They were
the first slaves. Bet most people don't even know that.' You see
this quote here, it's wrong on so many levels. I mean, were we the
first slaves ever? Because I'm pretty sure the Irish weren't even an
ethnic group when some great great ancestor of all of us decided
“shit, we could sure do with some free labour”. No, you see some
Irish people were slaves, that is true. But we're talking about a
tiny percentage of people, who got shipped off to the Carribean.
Often they mixed with black slaves, such as on Montserrat, but a
larger amount were indentured servants – a condition that by modern
standards would be considered slavery but a condition that many Irish
people entered into willingly, not always willingly and some were
outright forced into it, but there were still significantly less
Irish indentured servants than there were chattel slaves. Meanwhile,
during the middle passage between Africa and the new world, an
estimated 800,000 black chattel slaves died in transit, likely far
more than the entire number of Irish indentured servants and slaves
who survived the transportation process. As I touched on before,
most Irish Americans who can trace their roots via genaology or DNA
tests will likely only be able to trace it as far back as their
ancestors being refugees from famine or British oppression, or as
being economic migrants looking for a better life in the states. And
yes, these Irish migrants often had it rough with landlords, jobs,
local governments, restaurants and bars with policies that said “No
Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish”, they weren't still being legislated
against as recently as the 1980s or 90s. They could also assimilate
into white society by being that. White. And we are fucking good at
it.
Now I could get super left wing and
make some point about how after being the British boot for so long
the Irish decided to lick some other boots by forming mobs like the
NYPD but what I'm trying to dig at are Irish Americans who use this
blurred lens of history to justify at best undermining the struggles
faced by African Americans and at worst full blown white supremacy.
I've seen other memes featuring Lucky the Lepprechaun as in the
mascot for the sugary shit cereal Lucky Charms with captions like
“Irish protest for the removal of the lucky charms lepprechaun
because it's offensive. Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by
Jack because they're not pansies”. Somethings do offend us. LIKE
YOUR FUCKING RACISM. We're not going to get annoyed by a badly
voiced, poorly animated cartoon of a folklore character because that
character isn't based on some “Magical Negro” Uncle Tom
stereotype like Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemimah. And there's a ton of
stuff the English do that we actually get offended by, but again, a
cartoon mythical folklore character doesn't do much ot push over the
edge. Why is it that you guys who come out with these memes are
usually the ones obsessed with geneology and DNA tests to see if you
were an Irish warrior or a Viking one, when the fact is, though they
probably had very good cause, your ancestors ran away from something.
And somewhere along the way, they received enough compassion to help
them survive all the adversity thrown at them. Why don't you try
giving some of that compassion back to I don't know.. Syrian
refugees, Mexicans or dare I say it, black people. You see, your DNA might be of ethnic Irish heritage, but that doesn't mean it should be an excuse for bad behaviour. Don't be the type that goes "Oh I drink too much and I call a spade a spade, because I'm Irish." No. Your DNA doesn't explain your behaviour unless you're genetically a sociopath. So let me suggest you try something that we're doing. Like
your country claims to do, here in Ireland trying to accept people
making an honest go of it.
See, we have racism here, I'd be lying if people of colour didn't get abuse thrown at them and I'm ashamed of my fellow countrymen who do that. The rest of us though, we're trying different options. Like south of the border, they even voted
in a gay Indian man as their head of state, now they kinda want rid
of him because just like in the case of being a straight white
person, your colour of skin or sexuality has little to no affect on
whether you're going to be a ball bag or not and our somewhat wary
of the Catholic church rapidly secularizing state, we will give
virtually anyone a shot. So I'm going to tell you something you
really won't want to hear. My Polish and Nigerian mates, the ones
who have lived and worked their asses off in this country for over
fifteen years are more Irish than you second or third generation
guys. Being American doesn't depend on you being ethnically American does it? Otherwise only those with indigenous tribe heritage would be true Americans. Why would being Irish be any different? So yeah, having your little plastic paddy fantasy is cute and
harmless, like those people who dress up as Sonic the Hedgehog
characters and have sex with each other But the fact is that just
because your great great grandpappy had a pint of Guinness in Cork in
1873, doesn't make you more Irish than someone who has lived in this
country most of their lives.
So be cool, Irish Americans. If you can put a mask on and get that populist shitehawk president of yours to do a better job of handling the same pandemic we're all struggling with, we might let you come have a drink here when the dust settles. Hell, I'll even let you buy me a pint and you can tell me about your great grandpappy's moonshine that made your dad lose his vision for a few days. Just lay off the racism, mmmkay?
Yours Sincerely,
An actual Irish guy.
P.S. I swear to fuck, if I have to turn that coffee machine back on and start shaking whipped cream just because you want an Irish coffee at 11 o'clock at night I will politely show you the door.
P.P.S. You can of course be black and Irish. This fella has done far more for our country than almost any of you plastics
I write almost entirely for fun and because I love storytelling, but if you're feeling generous and want to throw a coin or two my way, below is my paypal tipping address. A fair amount of the money I spend these days goes on either writing classes or tipping other artists for bringing us cheer at this grim time, so I wouldn't say you're wasting too much if you do. Christ that last sentence is even more try hard..
So in one of my previous posts, I
concocted a short story about an Irish barman suffering all of the
most common complaints someone in the trade is likely to experience.
If you haven't read it and want to, here's the link:
If you have read it, you'll know my
writing style is incredibly verbose. It's almost like I get off in
using excessive amounts of words to over illustrate something that
can probably be done in fewer words. I am not about tight word
economies. If you're up for reading this article, you can expect
more of the same. The previous post was a combination of fiction and
non-fiction. That is to say that everything that happened in the
story has happened to me or another bartender, just not necessarily
on the same night or in direct succession. That being said, every
place I have worked in has given me a story. This post will be about
recounting them.
I'm not going to tell you abut every
bit of flirtation or sexual tryst I've had during the bar career,
because I'd like to at least attempt to play the gentleman card for a
while yet. Kissing, or eating someone out until they squirt in your
eye during prolonged clitoral stimulation and telling isn't part of
the plan and besides that, I don't actually get laid from bartending
as much as one would expect. Now of course, I get hit on. All
bartenders do, regardless of whether they're physically attractive or
not. I'm sure there are some psychological studies which might look
at the power dynamic created between a patron and a bartender who
controls the alcohol supply, or the fact that someone even remotely
friendly when you're under the influence will appear more attractive.
Without stroking my own ego too much, I'm not the ugliest or most
socially awkward guy in the world, so numbers have been passed my
way, however the people who hit on me whilst I'm working are
typically at least a little bit inebriated at the time. If I were to
go meet them after my shift finishes at some tender hour of the
morning like two or three am, they're could well be drunk to the
point sleeping with them could at the very least for them be
regrettable and at the worst, be morally reprehensible, or straight
up illegal. Texting them a day or two later will sometimes mean they
don't remember you, or you have to begin the flirting game all over
again. I've had beautiful women try to drag me home, but being that
they were hammered, I politely declined, but suggested I we exchange
numbers. The conversation the next day usually revolves around them
trying to remember who I am, only to feel “the fear” that they
had done something or said something that they shouldn't have. Maybe
my “game” is weak, maybe I'm took picky. It is, as they say,
what it is. So anyway, let's make with the good stuff.
Robinson's Bar, Belfast
Apart from doing
the odd bit of waiting for the function suite of the rowing club my
Dad belonged to, the first bar I ever truly worked in was Robinson's
Bar. Opposite the most bombed hotel in the history of Belfast,
Robinson's is a multi-storey pub that attracts loudmouth tourists and
loudmouth locals. Seriously, I've heard genuine “bullshit-you-not”
rumours that Robinsons was one of the first places that cops checked
for those who had “escaped” from mental hospitals, from those in
the charity sector as well as hospitality. I started there as a
glass collector, or “bar back” as they're often known as. My
duties were largely revolving around the simple act of collecting
glasses as the name suggests, but would extend as far as cleaning
tables, restocking the bar and cutting fruit. I hated the job from
the interview. An interview which I had gone into with an LSD come
down, which made had me accidentally walk into the wall behind me as
I got up to leave my seat. The interview process, which was shared
with a ditzy seventeen year old girl had us both stumble through the
most basic questions.
“Why do you
collect glasses?”
“To keep tables tidy. Prevent glasses
from being knocked over. Glasses can be used as a weapon! Reduce
chance of spillage!”
“Yes, those
are good reasons, but what it the main reason you collect glasses?”
“GLASS IS A
WEAPON!”
“You've given
me that one. Hrmmm there's a more obvious one”
“No idea,
sorry.”
“What
do we serve drinks in?”
“OHHHHHHHH!!! Bottles?”
When
I had started, I was not in a good frame of mind. My father had
passed on not long before I started and a year prior, I had finished
university, I was full of hope and expectation for a great working
life, only to encounter a job market plagued by the global recession.
Something we appear on the verge of in this COVID 19 governed
society. It was a job that I was good enough at to say it was
beneath me, but the attitude I displayed was one of the many reasons
I wasn't given an opportunity to learn bartending. It probably
didn't help that I'd be stoned half the time I was working there, or
I'd drift out on my break and have two pints in Wetherspoons before
returning to half ass my job a bit more. A practice I'd continue in
some shape or form in various jobs for years to come, just typically
with a lot less of that prick Martin's establishments. That, along
with occasionally, covertly finding a bag of miscellaneous white
powder on the floor and playing “sniff the mystery gear”, or you
know, getting away with the fact I was doing as little as possible
counted as the main perks. If I would loathe that feeling of
subservience bartending sometimes grants workers, I'd really grow to
hate it as a barback. It's a real “fetch me, bring me” job, you
know, like on your first day where you're told to get a “long
weight” or “some tartan paint” by some bartender eager to test
your gullibility levels on your first day on the job. And yeah, I
went and asked for that long weight, with an eyebrow raised high
enough to challenge The Rock himself. That's not to say I didn't
revel in that tradition for years to come. In fact, when I did it,
years later, I was probably worse, praying on poor bar backs who
didn't even speak English as a first language. Despite the haze of
hangovers and mild substance abuse, barbacking had its odd notable
moment – like myf irst physical confrontation in a bar, or the
second one, which were a lot tamer than one would expect from the bar
across the raod from the most bombed hotel in Belfast.
To
speed service and get as many empties from the tables, I'd stack the
collected empty glasses in towers of about twelve and sometimes carry
two at a time. This is something which is probably fairly dangerous
at the best of times but probably a lot more so in a bar with sticky
floors, handbags and middle-aged cankles strewn about the floor.
Despite that fact, generally nothing goes that badly, except for one
occasion, when some clown decided to do the unthinkable. Any bar
that I work in, I've known female staff to be harassed by sleazy
prick patrons. I've offered to speak to the patron and warn them
off, I've encouraged them to speak to managers, or doormen, but out
of shame and embarrassment, they've chosen to avoid fuss and take the
silent option. It saddens me that guys not only feel entitled to be
grabby like they are, but get away with it. Then it would happen to
me a few times with hen parties and I'd let a bum pinch from a rough
looking oul doll slide because aside from making a quip about it, I
didn't feel like it was worth my while making a fuss. When guys did
it, it became slightly more of a big deal. Particularly on one
occasion, when I had my two towers of glasses stacked in my hands and
I felt a jab on both sides of my hips. You know that “electric
shock” thing the primary school bully used to play on you as a kid?
Imagine that as a grown fucking man doing his job carrying
dangerous-when-broken-objects and some clown you've never met before
decides that it'd be hilarious to stab you with his index fingers in
the sides. I was, as you can probably tell, outraged. I quickly set
down the glasses and tore into the grinning fool behind me, giggling
like the little school boy bitch that this 30 something man seemed to
think he was.
“What
the fuck do you think you're doing?” I growled aggressively.
“I'm
sorry!” he yelped nervously, still giggling slightly as he did.
“No
you're fucking not. You clearly didn't think one bit about how that
could affect me. Think about how dangerous that could have been.
How I could have then had to spend another twenty minutes clearing up
bits of broken glass because you thought it was hilarious to touch
me. Who the fuck are you anyway? Who the fuck do you think you
are?”
“I'm
sorry,” he whined again.
“Don't
be sorry. Don't fucking do it. Just sit there and have a good long
hard think about how you fucked up.”
It
felt GOOD. I hadn't had a blow out of steam like that on someone for
a while, but I will always remember that as my moment of “I need to
get the fuck out of this job.” A month or so later, I left the
place and didn't look back. I think I've been back for a pint once
or twice in the ten years since, but I'd rank it as one of my least
likely venues to visit in Belfast.
In
my last month or so, there was another instance where a bouncer had
to kick two guys out. I got told by one of the bartenders to give
the bouncer a hand. Whilst one bouncer had one aggressive customer
on the ground, I simply stepped in to make sure that the other
customer didn't try to interfere, or stamp on the bouncer. He cocked
his hand back as if to throw a haymaker at me and everything went in
slow motion. “I've got to block this, or move out of the way, even
kick him with a front kick”. It was as if my years of training
martial arts, actually was getting in the way, I had too many
options, I couldn't decide and in my hesitation, was probably going to get clocked. Just as he went to throw that punch, up
came another set of arms, a second bouncer descended on the angry
prick and scooped him up from below the arm pits. Saved, by the
bell.
I don't remember too much else from working in that place,
other than the odd bit of “fluff” but it made me come to the
conclusion, if I was going to stay in the bar industry, I was going
to do everything in my power to avoid working as a glass collector
ever again and, jokes aside I would give a bit more respect to any good bar back that I'd work with.
Next week, I'm going to fill you in on the other places I've worked in.
I write almost entirely for fun and because I love storytelling, but if you're feeling generous and want to throw a coin or two my way, below is my paypal tipping address. A fair amount of the money I spend these days goes on either writing classes or tipping other artists for bringing us cheer at this grim time, so I wouldn't say you're wasting too much if you do. Christ that last sentence is even more try hard..
