I wrote the guts of this entry on Saturday, so it'll generally reflect the thoughts of the time...

Oh good Lord my ass just had the longest conversation with the toilet. I am feeling drained! Not that you needed to now that, just I thought I'd enlighten you all as to how relieved I'm feeling at this point in time.

I've decided to lie in the sun, generally just to have a lazy day. You know when you've got shit all else to do, so you just make the most of the warm weather and sit on the cool, fresh grass? I'm sure back in Lancaster, you've come to enjoy the weather, either instead of revision or as part of it. Anyway, some good company and a relaxing activity wouldn't go amiss but over all, life is good. You can't ask for much more than what I've got; sunshine, pen, paper and a gigantic watermelon (to help me feel extra "negarious") and the sweet sound of bird song. I thought I'd write a movie review or two to entertain y'all. Do a write up of what I've bore witness to in thelast week, but I think I'll reiterate something I said last time.

Cycling wasted = amazing

Last night I met up with some Danish friends, grabbed about twenty beers between five of us and sat out in my yard drinking and smoking (speaking ow which, that brown stuff from Morocco is in Norn Irish slang "wile parful!") till about eleven. I then went to meet up with the other ten Lancastrians in town. My method of transport - city rent-a-bike. Not only is this potentially dangerous and moronic, but it is also great fun! You go flying at great speeds as if you're Ghost Rider on fire, you feel every bump, surface and contour of the road and you never feel tired. Perhaps best of all, when I woke up I felt like I had lost twenty pounds and consequently spent about five minutes thismorning still admiring my washboard stomach in the bathroom mirror, before realizing I was till out of it and that my torso wasn't as handsome as I first believed.

Still.. I'd do the whole thing in a heartbeat..

Sadly, when I got to town, things didn't work out to plan as much as we hoped. The bar/club we planned on attending was more expensive than we planned, so we spent some time faffing around and perhaps as a combination of a multitude of grumblings (myself included), animosity kind of killed some of the previously good vibe. All well and forgotten about the next day as far as I'm aware.

At this point, I stopped writing to talk to some Aussie hippy in my large, communal back garden. Flash forward to Sunday and I'm in the garden again..


My ma was supposed to be here today, but in true Charlton style (I've been stuck in Liverpool, living on the good grace of friends twice!), she missed her flight out. It's a shame for two reasons:

a) I was looking forward to seeing her today. I planned on taking her to a number of art galleries and museums to entertain and amuse her, all of which are closed on a Monday.

b) I passed up three opportunities to wet my willy.
The first, a salsa club which this short Borat-lookalike mofo invited me to. I'd met him a bar when I was waiting for the English crowd to appear, who were in a packed out Irish pub watching the Champion's league final, which ended much later than expected. So Borat and I played some chess before proceeding to chat up a series of women in and around the bar. Two of which were these good looking Polish girls, who invited me out on Saturday night as well. I think one liked the look of me and I would be lying if I said the thought wasn't mutual.

Lastly, but far from least was an invite from the previously mentioned Danish bag-head friends who I spent Friday night drinking and smoking with. They were planning on getting diddly at a house party and I probably would have joined them if it weren't for the mother situation and my apparent lack of sunglasses (God damnit! Where are my £2 Primark aviators?!)

Now, I know looking for opportunities leading to nookie is in a way, a little pathetic, but I'll make what I perceive to be a very valid point; this is the 21st century, I'm a man. We are believed to think about sex every six seconds.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.


Yeap, I thought about it. Perhaps because there's a tasty looking scrumpet in a bikini lying on the lawn a few meters away from me, but consider the theory proven for now. Not only this, but as society seems to suggest - everyones doing it. So, I feel like I'm missing out. Due to my very peculiar style of "charm", my lack of effort to pursue and rather average looks, opportunities don't come around that often. The current dry spell I'm experiencing only tends to add insult to injury, though it could be worse. I could have long make out sessions with that lead only to failed escalation and the most painful, common affliction known to modern man: blue ball.

Now, I'd say I'm far from a sleaze ball womanizer. I like exchanging laddish humour involving shit innuendos, but often enough I buzz off female interaction and don't need anything else other than a nice chat. Generally I'm not a sleep around kind of guy (though the question always arises, would be if I could?). I've had some fairly meaningless moments, the odd one night stand but I tend to be more about pursuing a girl I meet when I'm sober and grow to become besotted with.

Anyone thinking with a feminine mindset might be thinking "awww that's really sweet.." but don't say it. This is nightmarish..

Once you put on a pedestal, you're ruined. When you're around the girl, your rational thoughts are replaced with lovey dovey nervousness. You spend half of the day thinking about her too, failing to achieve as much as you normally would. In addition, you try too hard and its painfully obvious. You start turning up to things you wouldn't normally go to if it weren't for the fact you know she'll be there. You check her facebook/bebo constantly to see if anyone else is in the picture and your mind just generally obsesses. Not once in my lifetime has this ever worked out. But I wonder if it would, would I be so interested. It's one of those things - what we can't have, we often want more.

When you focus your life on other things than trying to woo somebody, you become more attractive. You can charm a multitude of people in no time at all. Its similar to being unavailable or in high demand - you are instantly more attractive.

Take Easter holidays. I met this girl on a Monday night whilst winged/diddly/off my tits. We got on well so we went home together and hung out for much of the week, (though its never really the same sober as it is in the initial state). Thursday night and I'm out again. I know I'll be meeting up with the same girl later on and I'm also out with my friends for his birthday. I don't really care about flirting/meeting other girls, yet I'm approached by a number of different girls on a number (I remember at least two, the night got a little bit hazy) of different occasions. In my eyes, this helps strengthen my people wanting what they can't have theory. Maybe this is because you give out some vibe of coolness and confidence without any signs of desperation, but I also find if you talk about somebody you're into, or a girlfriend in positive light, other girls will hang off your every word. There was one time in a bar back in the Summer where the legendary Matt and I were just generally chatting to about three girls, just chilling out, having few beers after work. The girls were loving it, despite our situations (both of us had other girls in the picture) and were at the point where they were buying us beers to keep us around. It begs the question, if you were to fabricate a girlfriend in the middle of a conversation, would you be more tempting?

So, back to the here and now.. I'm killing off more time by writing before the day is over by writing (Sundays bore me - being dragged to Church as a kid has made me grow up with the conception of the Lord's day, where we can't do shit - mostly because everything used to be closed on a Sunday and still is in Denmark) and perhaps some reading. I could do with some company, or even some exercise, but to attain them both require the same thing I lack at this moment in time: effort.

Maybe the hippy guy who I owe a fiver to for a lump of hash will appear to tell me some more history about Denmark and Christianna in particular, or tell me he's found me a job in an Irish bar or somebody will give me a call asking for a chat and a beer. Generally though, my main concern is digesting the chicken kebab wrap swimming in my stomach and to tell you a little bit about some movies worth/not worth seeing.

At the Cinema
Indianna Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull ***
Ack, it's alright, but with a lot of movies I tend to nitpick. Its quite good fun but gets a little too silly towards the end by paying too much homage to not just the old Indy films, but to 50's B movies and ends up with a nostalgic effect, meaning everything looks really cheap and tacky. Lazy sets and props accompanied by additional cheesy characters (never with the same flair as Indy) and hammy acting. It's not as good as Raiders though and you never feel sucked into its nonsense as you do in the previous films.

Iron Man ****
Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark. I don't mean he plays the role of the industrial entrepreneur, I mean he was born for the role. He lives, breathes and becomes the playboy turned superhero. As a film, its well paced, nicely shot and accompanied with some witty writing. Its second only to Batman Begins for the best superhero movie title and could only have been improved if the end fight scene was a little bit more intense. It shits on Spider-man from a great height and a surprise that all comic fan boys will love appears right in the end, so stay after the credits if its your type of thing. All I'm saying is 2010 will be a good year for the Marvel nerd.

Blade Runner: Final Cut ****
The only time I'd seen Blade runner was during a channel five screening, complete with bad reception and the fact I was using the computer at the same time. This is akin to watching an on-flight movie. You can never relax, have your elbow bashed by the passing food trolley, are constantly interrupted and yearn for more cashew nuts halfway through the climax. This time though, I was treated to it on the biggest screen in Northern Europe with a steady supply of nuts, right to end. In short, I loved it. You empathize with Ford's character as he is outclassed and constantly taking a beating by the hands of the other android replicants. Along with this Rutger Hauer is also scary as shit in this dark epic. Just go see it.

DVD
Gabriel ***
This was an extremely low budget Aussie film that would have been any Goth's wet dream in the nineties. Its like Underworld/The Crow/The Matrix/Blade Runner/Sin City. There are cool characters, but the finished product is kind of sloppy. It was nicely shot, directed and interestingly edited though. I'd say, catch it for something a little bit different, but you could pick gaping flaws out about it.

Resident Evil Extinction ** (and a half)
Vaguely entertaining Zombie flick with no bearing on your existance other than the brilliant joint smoking scene.

Catch Me If You Can ****
I know it's been out ofr a while, but I only saw it the whole way through a few days ago. It is mint. Wittily written and with great comic timing and terrific performances from both the lead actors. Imagine the life DeCaprio's character was living at the age eighteen.. that would be amazing..



This was typed up on Wednesday, so tune in next week whether I've found employment in an Irish pub, have gotten my slice of poontang pie, how I review Danish beer brands and how telling my Mother I do drugs went..

In a bitty Mcvitty..

Conor